


Fix Me With Gold

by BetterInFiction



Series: Own Devices [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Falling In Love, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hatake Kakashi is Bad at Feelings, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Temporary Character Death, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:14:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetterInFiction/pseuds/BetterInFiction
Summary: Kakashi knew that Naruto was stubborn, he knew that Naruto's nindō included protecting those he cared about. Yet, he still found himself foolishly surprised when Naruto saved him from his own death. He was more surprised when he coughed up the flower. He wasn't prepared to fall in love, it wasn't in his plans. He had been prepared to die for Konoha since he was five years old. But dying for Naruto, whether it was from the flowers slowly taking root in his lungs or from protecting him so that he could see his dreams come true… Well, that doesn’t seem so bad.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Own Devices [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891162
Comments: 55
Kudos: 294





	1. Break Me Apart

“Kakashi-sensei, are you okay? You’re looking a little pale.” Concerned blue eyes were in his face.

“Ah, Naruto,” he blinked, looking down at the blonde as they left the Tower. He was just thinking that he was feeling a little off as they returned to the Village, but he figured he just needed to sleep after everything that had happened. He wasn’t even supposed to have come home in the first place. “It’s been a long few days. How about we get some rest and meet up tomorrow for team lunch?” He asked, slipping his hands into his pockets. Naruto scrutinized him for a few moments before a smile split his face.

“Yeah okay, but if you’re late I’ll come track you down!” He threatened, still grinning up at him.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare try and pull something now,” Kakashi waved him off with a smile. It felt like something had shifted in him as he watched the teen run to catch up with the rest of his former classmates. He had never expected Naruto to come and save him, to fight against everything to bring him back alive. _What would you be saying right now Obito?_ He tried to picture him here, lecturing him alongside the young man. He shook his head and turned toward his apartment, that uncomfortable feeling in his chest was starting to become sharp. Maybe he was coming down with a cold or the flu? He probably hadn’t taken care of himself while under Hiruko’s jutsu. Either way, he was looking forward to crashing into his bed.

The feeling twisted harshly in his lungs and had him running for the sink the second he stepped into his apartment. His mask had barely cleared from his mouth before the coughing hit. Deep and painful hacks that he felt all the way down to his toes as his lungs tried to turn inside out and something rose up in his throat.

“Huh,” Kakashi said softly to himself, breathing ragged as he turned on the faucet and rinsed down the blood and bile. He carefully took the damp petals into his hands and sunk down against the wall.

“Kakashi?” He didn’t flinch as Pakkun appeared next to him.

“It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it Pakkun?” He sighed; voice rough as he stroked at the marquise shaped petals. They were a vivid red-orange-yellow, looking like flames as they caught the afternoon light. _Saved from one death only to fall into another._

“What does it mean?” Pakkun asked, sniffing at his hand. Kakashi would have laughed if his throat wasn’t still burning. He must have pissed off some god in some life for him to be sick with this of all things.

“I guess it means I’m pining,” he chuckled darkly, heaving himself shakily to his feet.

“Pining for what?” The pug followed, the rest of the pack falling in as he inspected his bookshelf and pulled off two books.

“That,” Kakashi pointed at the page of the obscure medical text and setting it on the floor as they crowded in.

“Hanahaki Disease. You always did have to make things more difficult for yourself. And what’s that?” Pakkun points a paw at the flower in his hand.

“Bird of Paradise,” he hummed, matching the petals to the picture. _“‘_ Symbolizes joyfulness and magnificence. It can also be used to indicate exciting and wonderful anticipation…’” he reads off. _Oh shit._ There was only one person that that could be, hell even the colors matched him perfectly. _It looks like I’m even more of a pervert than I thought huh?_ He slipped the book back in its place before removing his headband and vest and collapsing on his bed.

“What the hell happened on that mission Boss? You told us-”

“I know Pakkun,” Kakashi interrupted, rubbing his hands over his face. He had told them his goodbyes and given them his last wishes. He was so tired and now there was _this_. “Naruto happened.” It was Pakkun’s turn to hum thoughtfully.

“So, I suppose we should thank him for saving your ass.” Kakashi let out a sharp bark of laughter.

“Or curse him for saving me only to end up being the result of my demise,” he let his hands fall to his sides, spreading his fingers for one of the dogs to nuzzle against. 

“So, it’s him.” The matter-of-factness of that statement had him rolling his head to look at the pug. “You don’t think you could talk to him?”

“And do what? Confess?” The laughter turned bitter. “I’m sure that will go real well,” he drawled, picturing the events of just yesterday with Naruto sprinting away from him. “I’m thirty Pakkun,” he sighed, letting his eye slip closed again. “I’m not pining after a sixteen-year-old like some dirty old man. Which I _am,_ compared to him.” _How is this my life?_ He had lost nearly everyone he had ever held dear in his life; he had been ready to die this time. He didn’t deserve to be saved by him, he had been useless to Naruto, he had failed to keep their team together. Hell, he felt his failure to the teen went back further than that. He hadn’t been able to save Minato-sensei or protect Kushina, and instead of watching over him and making sure that he wasn’t alone, he had lost himself in ANBU and only reluctantly took him on as a student.

 _“Aside from Tenzou, your Sharingan is the only thing that could control the Nine Tails if something were to happen.”_ That’s what the Third had told him when he gave him the assignment four years ago. He had even been tempted to fail them just out of spite for the whole thing, but Naruto… Naruto was always so unpredictable. He reminded him so much of his parents that it had physically hurt that day they met in that classroom.

 _Naruto_ , the sad and lonely boy, had grown up embodying Kushina and Minato-sensei’s will without even knowing it. He just smashed through any wall in his way until he was buried in your brain and you were better for it. Kakashi had wanted them to know Obito’s words but he never expected to feel like a twelve-year-old again when he heard Naruto repeat them to him. He hadn’t expected to feel _lighter_ with Naruto. If he had been anyone else, he could have ended up like Gaara, or Sasuke, or even him; trying to forget his pain with deadly missions. _Maybe I haven’t changed that much after all... Naruto never gives up on me though._ But _admiring_ him and _pining_ after him were two different things. He couldn’t want him because he would never deserve him.

“The flower says otherwise,” Pakkun drawled and Kakashi cursed his intelligence, earning him a sharp nip to his wrist.

“Maybe it was just a one-time thing,” he said hopefully, feeling sleep call. He drifted off reluctantly thinking of the sun reflecting off yellow hair and clear blue eyes.

* * *

It was not a one-time thing, Kakashi learned five months later. He looked down in horror at the large green leaves on a vine that he could still feel in his esophagus. That wasn’t even a _fucking_ flower it was ivy! _What did ivy mean again?_ He pocketed the leaves and took off again, he had to make sure that Naruto was okay.

 _Naruto, you really saved us all. When are you going to stop saving me?_ He thought of what Katsuyu had told them after he had come back to life. Naruto had been ready kill the man behind the attack, but he had stopped, and he had listened.

_“Sometimes I wonder if we really are trapped in some kind of cycle of hatred,” Minato mused, looking out over the broken battleground._

_“What does that mean Sensei?” Kakashi frowned up at the man._

_“I’m not sure yet Kakashi,” Minato smiled, putting his hand on Kakashi’s head. “Let’s see if we can find out how to get out of it together.”_

_Do you see him Minato-sensei? Do you see what he’s accomplished?_ Kakashi froze mid-stride when he heard the faltering steps. Naruto was in front of him, leaning heavily against a tree and Kakashi had never felt so relieved to see anyone. He jumped forward when Naruto started to stagger, hand slipping away from the bark as he fell forward.

“You did good Naruto,” he said softly, Naruto’s weight heavy but comforting on his back.

“Kakashi,” Naruto breathed, exhausted blue eyes peered at him from over his shoulder. _Fidelity and attachment,_ the page about ivy coming to his mind and _shit_ if that wasn’t true.

“It's okay, just lean on me.” Naruto grinned as he threw his arms around his shoulders. _Even if I never deserve you, even if you’ve inadvertently killed me, I promise to try and be there when you stumble Naruto. I promise to catch you when you fall._

* * *

“Kakashi?” Yamato called out; he was no doubt concerned after hearing his superior nearly cough out a lung.

“I’m fine, just swallowed wrong,” Kakashi cleared his throat, straightening against the doorway and carefully folding the delicate bell-shaped petals in his hand.

 _Bluebell. Humility and constancy._ He turned back to where the teen now lay, unconscious on a futon.

“How is he?” He asked, changing the topic and crouching down to adjust the blanket with his non-bloody hand. He didn’t like the pained wrinkle that had settled between blonde brows and he could still feel him gasping for breath in his arms as he fell unconscious in the snow. He had tried to watch him as they received bad news after bad news and he had been concerned when Naruto just stood there, taking it all in quietly. _Too quietly._ But the information from Gaara about the impending war to protect the remaining Jinchuriki and Sakura trying to take out Sasuke on her own had taken precedence. _Naruto don’t let this change you._

“He just needs to sleep,” Yamato answered, and he could feel his always concerned eyes on him.

“Proceed back to the Village when he recovers,” he ordered softly, raking his fingers through the sweaty blonde bangs to push them out of his eyes.

“Kakashi,” Yamato started and Kakashi could hear the question in his tone.

“I have to go after Sakura, he won’t be too happy being left behind,” he shook his head fondly as he stood and reached for his cloak. “Don’t let him pull a fast one on you Tenzou.”

“I think I can handle it,” the man shot back, his tone annoyed.

“Ah, but haven’t you heard not to underestimate Uzumaki Naruto?” He continued to tease. Kakashi trusted the man with his life and he knew that he had his own growing soft spot for the young man. “I’m off, be careful.”

“You too Kakashi,” Yamato replied.

He took off in the direction Sai told him, catching their scents still on the wind. He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that Sakura was planning on killing Sasuke. Kakashi was the jounin-sensei here, he had taught Sasuke the Chidori, he was his responsibility alone.

_Naruto will hate you._

But he was a dead man anyway, he could deal with Naruto’s hate if it meant protecting him from one less danger.

Of course, Naruto would protect him instead, Kakashi thought amused, as he choked on another flower rising in his throat. They had caught up with the other boys and Yamato and made camp for the night. He had offered to check the perimeter for Sai when he felt the roots constrict in his lungs, hoping to get far enough into the trees to avoid being overheard.

 _Gladiolus,_ he ran his thumb over the soft ruffled petals. He had red, yellow, and white in his hand but overall, he knew the flower meant strength, integrity, faithfulness, and honor.

 _You pierce my heart;_ he thought a bit morbidly as he washed them off with water from his canteen and carefully dried them.

_“Did you see what was in my heart Sasuke? How I really feel?” Naruto said, voice loud and clear, with a look so serious it rivaled Minato when he was preparing for battle. “I’ll bear the burden of your hatred and we’ll die together!”_

Something _had_ changed in Naruto since the events at the inn. Whatever doubts he had been given with Gaara’s words had melted away and only strengthened his resolve even more.

He tasted the next flower before it passed through his lips. The apple-like flavor mixed with too sweet honey, faintly reminding him of his mother. _Chamomile, energy in adversity._ He sighed tiredly, washing and drying the narrow white petals like he had with the gladiolus and then pulling out his book and pressing them in the pages with the others. _Three flowers in one day, that can’t be good._ He was fighting a losing battle against his own feelings. Was there a flower for inner turmoil? He couldn’t remember.

“Uh, Kakashi-sensei?” He almost laughs, _speak of the devil._ “Are you okay?” The teen asked carefully, taking a tentative step forward.

“I was just checking the perimeter,” he answered, slipping his book back in the pouch at his hip. Naruto’s face turned incredulous, nose crinkling as he caught the movement.

“ _Checking the perimeter,_ my ass _._ You were really reading your porn, weren’t you?” He asked, a grin playing at his mouth.

“Ah, you caught me,” he put his hands up in surrender and Naruto laughed. The sound loud and bright in the quiet woods. “Are you feeling better?” He still looked a little peaked from the poison even though the cut had healed.

“Eh, a little,” he grumbled, hand rubbing at his stomach. Kakashi smiled and walked up to him. “It still feels like I have to barf though, that stuff was no joke.”

“Well it was poison,” he drawled drily. “But you did well today Naruto,” he reached out to ruffle his hair.

“Really? I kinda thought you’d be mad. I didn’t go back with Captain Yamato,” he grinned a bit bashfully, pushing his hand away.

“You may have disobeyed me, but we certainly can’t argue with results,” he shrugged. “We got lucky that Madara didn’t want to pick a fight though.” Naruto’s face fell, his hands flopping to his sides. Kakashi could practically see the thoughts swirling in his eyes.

_“This is the hate-filled destiny of the Uchiha clan. It’s a curse that has followed us for generations.”_

“Let’s get back,” he suggested, throwing an arm around Naruto’s shoulders and leading him back toward camp. It felt nice to have that warmth against his side compared to the coldness earlier. Naruto was still here. “We wouldn’t want Captain Yamato to think you’ve run off again.”

“Heh, yeah,” the blonde perked up a little. “He’s really mad.”

“It’s probably because you dug a hole through the floor of that inn and we already were in enough trouble with the owner as it was,” he chuckled.

“Yeah,” Naruto laughed again. “But he’s got that Mokuton, he could have fixed it no problem!”

“He’s probably just feeling undervalued, we should make it up to him when we get home,” Kakashi suggested, knowing that Yamato already had the daunting task of helping to rebuild the Village ahead of him.

“But everything is still smashed up,” Naruto pouted, rubbing thoughtfully at his chin.

“Hmm, I’m sure we can think of something,” he shrugged, “Get some rest.” He gave Naruto’s hair another ruffle before shoving him lightly toward his sleeping bag.

“Hey Sensei?” Naruto’s voice is soft and his back still to him.

“Yes Naruto?”

“Thanks,” his voice dipped down again and Kakashi barely caught it.

“For what?” Kakashi frowned, not sure what he had done. Naruto shrugged and turned partly to face him. The flames from the low fire changing his hair to a darker shade of gold and making his eyes seem ethereal as they flickered in the light.

“For everything,” he smiled softly, running a golden hand through his hair. “For being here.” Kakashi’s throat closed up, the taste of chamomile still strong in the back of his mouth and the book in his pocket feeling heavier than before.

“Thank you for being you, Naruto,” he replied with a nod, watching those eyes widen with surprise for a moment before a breathtaking smile split his face. “Get some sleep,” he nodded again, turning to go to his own sleeping bag. Kakashi knew that he couldn’t stop Naruto from fighting Sasuke, that that fight was written in the stars. But he could make sure that he was there for the outcome and be ready to bring Naruto back if he had too. As he laid in his sleeping bag, listening to the soft noises of his comrades, he filed through all the jutsu that he learned with Obito’s Sharingan and stopped once he found what he was looking for. There was a reason that he had watched Lady Chiyo revive Gaara a year ago. This was it; he would be prepared.

He had been prepared to die for Konoha since he was five years old. Instead he had felt cursed to watch everyone he loved die for him. But dying for Naruto, whether it was from the flowers slowly taking root in his lungs or from bringing him back if he has too… _Well, that doesn’t seem so bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain won't let me rest.


	2. Rearrange Me, Make A Home

_I didn’t think I’d see another war…_ Kakashi thought grimly, looking out over the field. But battle is what his brain was designed for, stripping everything to its base components and analyzing the situation in a split second. It’s why he graduated the Academy at five and made a jounin commander at twelve. He was a Hatake and there were expectations to be upheld. The Hatake clan had produced warriors since before the Villages were formed but now, he was the last. And he was angry.

“They’re older than we were _.”_ He took the water from Gai and looked out at the third division and ambush company. He flicks the imaginary blood off the hand that had pierced Haku’s chest, blood that he had washed off countless times before. Kakashi knew it was only a matter of time before Naruto found out and joined the front, but he was glad that he wasn’t here to have seen this. He remembered the featherlight touch against his wrist as he cried on the bridge in the snow over them. He could practically picture the anger and sadness on the young man’s face if he had seen them being used like this.

“They’re better than we were too,” Kakashi replied, slipping down his mask to drink. _They’re better because of Naruto._

_“I gotta find more things that I wanna protect too!”_

“Shit!” He swore, leaning to the side and coughing, his eyes tearing up with the force of it and the wound on his stomach reopening. _Shit._

“Kakashi?” He heard Gai ask, felt his hand heavy on his shoulder. “I should get Sakura.”

“Don’t,” he wheezed as the flower hit the ground with a wet _plop._ “I’m fine,” he lied, wiping at his mouth.

“You’re ill,” Gai stated, taking the strange flower in his hand.

“I’m fine,” he repeated the lie, holding his hand out, it felt like he could still feel it clawing its way out of his throat. “Such a weird looking thing,” he examined the full, and very large, flower. Spiky, leathery petals circling a stained but soft white center like a crown.

“So, there’s something you don’t know, my rival!” Gai laughed. “It is a Protea!”

“A Protea huh?” He sighed, throat and mouth raw and tasting metallic, this thing had hurt worse than getting sliced by the sword. “What’s it mean?” He pulled the book from his pouch.

“Transformation,” he replied simply.

“Really,” he said skeptically, slipping the flower in the pages.

“My young rival! So hip and cool even in your illnesses!” Gai exclaimed, causing Kakashi to shush the boisterous man before someone overheard.

“Gai, you know what this is?” he asked, raising an eyebrow up at him.

“The great disease of unrequited love!” He sniffles dramatically, sitting down heavily next to him. “Even in love it seems you have to make things difficult Kakashi.”

“That’s what Pakkun said,” Kakashi snorted, tipping his head back against the rock and looking up at the clear sky.

“It would seem that this is one challenge that I cannot compete with you on,” Gai sighed, and his hand rests on Kakashi’s shoulder again.

“No, you definitely wouldn’t be stupid enough to get this.”

“I was under the impression that there is a surgery?” He prods carefully.

“Ahh, but would you want me going back to the way I was? _Cold-blooded?_ ” Kakashi asked. He might not be good with his feelings or communicating them, but he wasn’t about to give them up. He couldn’t imagine standing next to his comrades, standing next to Naruto, and feeling the nothing that the surgery would leave behind.

“That is true,” Gai hummed thoughtfully. “It would seem the flower could represent you as well as them, my friend.”

“I suppose you might be right,” he mused, thinking about Naruto and his effect on people, on him.

“May I ask who it is?” Gai’s tone was soft and he was almost tempted to tell him, maybe it would help alleviate some of the weight off his shoulders. Gai was his best friend, maybe he would understand more than anyone. But now was not the time.

“Maybe later,” Kakashi fixed his mask and got to his feet, reaching out and hauling Zabuza’s sword out of the ground. “I believe I did say that I was going to go on a rampage.”

He felt the curious flutter of the Kyubi’s chakra around his lungs as he wheezed around the small plum blossom. _Please don’t tell him,_ he thought, not even sure if the beast could hear him or was aware of what his chakra discovered in his body. But the warm chakra soothed over the piercing ache like a balm and somehow reinvigorated him. _Perseverance, and a promise…_

_“I won’t let my friends die!”_

_Keep reminding me of my promises Naruto._ He channeled chakra to his hand and sucker punched Obito in the gut as his torso appeared in this dimension.

“You look like you’re in pain Obito,” he said as the man’s head appeared. This wasn’t the Obito that he knew, maybe that Obito was still in there, but he couldn’t let it distract him from what was important. _Protect him._

Kakashi spins the blue iris, _the same shade as Naruto’s eyes_ , in his fingers, thankful that Sakura was still unconscious next to him. He hadn’t thought he would be relieved to puke up a flower but here he was. He had felt it when Naruto’s heart stopped, felt the roots and vines begin to wither as he was able to take the first full breath in months. It had been terrifying, and then he had seen him lifeless on Gaara’s sand with Sakura’s hand in his chest. He didn’t have near enough chakra for Lady Chiyo’s jutsu and they didn’t have time, with Obito being controlled by Black Zetsu and Madara bearing down on them. He thought he had failed again.

Then the Number One Hyperactive, Knuckle-headed Ninja had come back brighter and stronger than ever. Kakashi closed his left eye, it felt like he could still feel the warmth of Naruto’s hand and the strange feeling of his chakra coursing through his system as his eye reformed. It really was amazing.

_Be careful Naruto._

“Love is a complicated thing,” the Sage of the Six Paths said behind him and he chuckled. He had a feeling that he was about to be lectured by an ancient being who, up until a few hours ago, had been considered a myth.

“What made you choose Naruto?” Kakashi asked, after listening to the man go on about Sasuke and Madara.

“I could ask you the same thing Kakashi,” the Sage grinned knowingly, then looking to the iris. He opened his mouth to argue, to say that he wouldn’t have chosen _this_ , that if he actually had a choice, he wouldn’t have chosen him. But he found he couldn’t bring himself to say that because it wasn’t true. He reached into his weapons pouch, fingers running over the worn spine of _Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi_. Despite his stubbornness and denial, he couldn’t help but love him.

He would have chosen him, flowers or not, but the outcome would still be the same. He belonged on the outskirts of his life to help him and make sure that he could accomplish his dreams. Sometimes he wished he had been born in Naruto’s generation instead so that they could have grown together… but there was nothing he could do about that.

“There are a lot of reasons why I would choose him,” he states, flipping through the petals and flowers until he reached a blank spot for the iris to rest in. “He’s the strongest person I know. I told Obito that with him I feel I can finally see,” he paused, feeling something change in the air pressure. _Are you fighting yet?_ “He’s never given up on me or let me go, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I would have been long dead if it wasn’t for him.” The Sage of the Six Paths was silent and Kakashi thought he felt another flower blooming in his chest.

“Well if Uzumaki Naruto managed to change Kurama, an embodiment of hatred, then I’m hoping this time around things will be different. For both of them,” he finally said. “Maybe they can regain something that they have both lost. You as well.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Kakashi asked, feeling as helpless as he had when he was forced to stay behind the barrier seventeen years ago.

“If you are asking about the fight, I cannot tell you what to do other than hope and have faith in them. If you are asking about personal matters then I cannot tell you to not use that jutsu either,” he pauses and Kakashi feels like he now understands why Naruto always came back annoyed after speaking with the Great Toad Sage. “But if things go well then I believe you have the answer right there,” he gestured to the book. “Should you choose to face it.”

* * *

Kakashi catches the kunai, not looking up from _Icha Icha_ as the ring of the blade spun lazily around his finger. He wasn’t surprised that the blonde would try to get the jump on him, he probably would have succeeded too if the wind hadn’t shifted. He was ever grateful for his sense of smell as he was able to stuff the pansies he had been spitting out since he returned to the Village into his pocket and regain his usual composure before the weapon came flying at him.

“Now Naruto, that’s not very nice,” he pretends to chastise, “But your strength has gotten better since I saw you last.” He looked up at Naruto, the teen was beaming at him as he walked across the grass. It had been four months since the war ended already and Naruto was back to looking hale and hearty again. But he looked tired, and Kakashi couldn’t tell if it was from still recovering or something else.

“Kakashi! I think you’ve been avoiding me!” Naruto accused, still smiling as he ran his hand through his hair. He wasn’t wearing his headband and his hair was longer than usual, the breeze causing it to fan around his face more.

“I have?” He asked, arching an eyebrow. He had been of course, requesting mission after mission just to keep busy and stay out of the Village, much to Tsunade’s annoyance. Not that it stopped the flowers or made him feel any better, in fact looking at Naruto now seemed to alleviate the pressure a little bit. But things were finally starting to wind down as the negotiations between the nations were settling and there was nothing pressing that he was needed for.

“Yes,” he replies bluntly, plopping down across from him. “I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Well you see, there are these things called _missions,_ ” he drawled in response, handing the kunai back.

“Oh, shut up. You’ve been sent out a lot, Granny won’t even let me leave yet,” he pouted, plucking at the grass. _That’s because you’re too valuable._

“Ah being a genin does suck,” Kakashi teased, smiling, Naruto was still so restless. He felt the flowers in his chest move and he repressed a cough.

“Hey! Isn’t there anything _you_ could do about that?” Blue eyes turn intently to him.

“I’m not the Hokage yet.” _I don’t think that’s a promise I will get to keep anyway… sorry Obito._

“Yeah, but you’re gonna be,” he shrugs, a soft smile still playing at his mouth. “Can’t you, y’know,” he waggled his fingers, his smile turning mischievous.

“Your bribery skills need some work,” Kakashi chuckled and Naruto sputtered.

“Ugh fine! I’ll be a genin forever, who cares!” He yelled, flinging himself back and Kakashi found himself noticing how the vibrant green of the grass framed his tan skin.

“How have you been?” He decides to ask, pretending to turn his attention back to _Tactics_.

“Eh,” Naruto shrugged, lifting his left hand up in the air and watching the sunlight filter through his fingers. “It’s been weird honestly, all the attention. People keep asking for my autograph, like after Pain, but I don’t know what to tell them.”

“What can you expect? You’re the _Savior of the World_.” Naruto pulls a face, scrunching up his nose and sticking his tongue out at the moniker.

“It’s not like I did it alone,” he let his arm flop back by his side. “I mean, we _all_ fought Madara and that crazy rabbit lady, y’know? It wasn’t just me. All I did was kick some sense back into Sasuke.”

“I think we would all agree that you did much more than that,” Kakashi shakes his head. He imagined Naruto at twelve running around and screaming for acknowledgment, and now that he had what he finally deserved he felt uncomfortable with the positive attention. 

“If you say so,” the teen said softly, shrugging one shoulder against the ground. Kakashi reached out before he could stop himself, his gloved hand settling on his wrist.

“Naruto don’t be ashamed of what you’ve done. You played a major part in saving every one of us, hell you even performed some miracles out there,” he gestured to his eye and thought of Gai, still recovering in the hospital but alive. “Now, you certainly don’t owe anyone your autograph, but you should accept that you did good and people are going to want to thank you for it.” Naruto’s blue eyes were wide as he took in what he said. “Okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, smiling softly.

“But don’t let it go to your head too much, otherwise the hat won’t fit when you take it,” he smiled, picking up his book and relaxing again as Naruto laughed.

“You’re better at this than the others, especially Sasuke.” Kakashi snorted, he hadn’t seen the Uchiha since they returned to the Village. Sasuke was under constant watch while the council were deciding what to do with him and Kakashi knew Naruto was still fighting for him. _Not that anyone could stand against them in the first place._

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Naruto shook his head, smiling and shifting to sit against the tree next to him.

“Are you home now for a while?” Kakashi thinks he might hear something hopeful in the lilt of the question.

“It would seem that way,” he answered.

“That’s good,” Naruto hummed in acknowledgment and they fell into a comfortable silence. It was no surprise to Kakashi when he felt Naruto’s head roll gently against his shoulder a few minutes later, soft snores coming from him. Naruto could always fall asleep so quickly. He sighed and closed _Icha Icha,_ turning his head slightly to breathe in his crisp scent. He couldn’t deny that it did feel good to be home.

_He caught Naruto by the elbow when the young man tried to get up too soon._

_“Slow down,” he said softly, tightening his grip as he swayed. “They can wait a little longer.” Kakashi could tell the fight had been brutal, the destruction of it had nearly leveled the valley and was felt for miles. But Naruto, being Naruto, wanted to get up and release the Tsukuyomi the second Sakura had barely finished healing him. The one blue eye that wasn’t completely swollen shut turned toward him._

_“I’m fine Sensei,” he grinned up at him. “We gotta go end this, right Bastard?” He turned toward Sasuke who was still sitting on the rock. Kakashi examined him carefully, something had definitely changed in him, he could see it in his eye. The outcome that the Sage had hoped for had come true._

_“Well Naruto, if you insist on being impatient,” Kakashi sighed, putting on the poor ‘put-upon sensei’ look he had worn when the genin had been particularly restless. Naruto’s smile grew, and Sakura let out a wet laugh, rubbing at her eyes before helping Sasuke to his feet. Team Seven was finally back. “I would offer to carry you,” he said just to him as he slung Naruto’s arm over his shoulder. “But unfortunately, I haven’t fully recovered just yet.”_

_“Let’s just lean on each other then Kakashi,” Naruto snickered and then cringed as if he had forgotten that he had had the shit kicked out of him._

_“Yeah, let’s do that.”_

Kakashi closed his eyes, letting himself finally give into the warmth that always accompanied the younger man. He was tired and Naruto seemed like the perfect place to lean against.

_“You have your answer right there, should you choose to face it.”_

Kakashi had faced many things in his thirty-one years. He had faced armies, monsters, death, even an ancient goddess without so much as blinking but this… _love…_ this was something that made him falter. He wondered if he should go see Gai and finish the conversation they had during the war. He definitely needed to come clean to Tsunade and Yamato had been giving him funny looks since the incident in the Land of Iron and he wondered if maybe the man could sense the flowers somehow…

 _“For a genius you’re pretty dim you know that?”_ That’s what Kushina would say if she saw him stewing in his head like this.

_“It’s unhealthy to bottle it all in. One day that big head of yours is gonna pop.”_

“Hey Naruto,” his voice is a whisper, listening carefully for a change in his breathing as he barely brushed his fingers against his “My lungs have been slowly filling with flowers for almost a year now. I know that sounds crazy, but we’ve been up against some crazy shit lately huh?” He grinned to himself. “Turns out that I’m in love. Hmm? That’s even crazier than the flowers? Tell me about it,” he sighed, feeling absolutely ridiculous but he kept going, his voice even quieter now. “Do you think maybe you could save your old Sensei again?” He held his breath, the only sound he could hear was Naruto’s soft snores and the leaves rustling in the breeze. But then the pain hit.

His hand flew up to his mouth, the smell of his own blood hitting his nose as he tried not to wretch. He clenched his jaw against the rise of flowers, carefully trying to separate himself without waking the sleeping blonde and shunshin home.

“Fuck,” he managed to gasp out, body shaking and hunched over on his hands and knees in the entryway of his apartment. “Fuck.” He glares at the gory mess in front of him, wiping his chin of blood and sweat. For a minute there he didn’t think that it was going to stop. _This really is an awful way to die…_ Bull nudged at his side, trying to get his large head under his arm and help him up but he stays put. There was more than one type of flower in the mess. Pansies, astilbes, a sunflower, a tulip… these fucking flowers were starting to get too literal for his taste.

“Boss.” The high whine of distress from the pack reaching him. “You gotta tell him.”

* * *

He tries, or at least he tells himself that he does, over the next month. He spends time with Naruto, mostly on their own or with the members of the team. He helps him train even though Naruto complains when Kakashi won’t let him use chakra limbs to compensate for his arm. He has to come up with new excuses for when he’s late because he couldn’t breathe, or he has to make a quick exit. Naruto always calls him out on it, but he doesn’t question him, and it makes the flowers come quicker. When they’re done and tired and Naruto’s stomach growling can be heard clear across the training grounds, they go and get Ichiraku Ramen and Naruto smiles like the sun had just come up.

At the end of the day Kakashi allows himself to think _maybe_ when he’s lying in bed and going through the moments. Naruto had somehow managed to puppy-dog eye Yamato into remaking a smaller waterfall on their training ground and it was the blonde’s favorite spot to talk about everything and nothing. Naruto’s different after the war even though he sees how the teen tries to hide it in front of the others. He’s still loud and cocky but then he goes contemplative and Kakashi can see the wheels turning in his head as he reaches for the arm that’s not there. But as soon as Kakashi reaches out the moment passes, and he hopes that Naruto knows that he’s there for him.

Kakashi tries to come clean. He summons up the courage to tell Naruto the truth in a moment of quiet, but every time without fail one of Naruto’s friends would interrupt them. It didn’t help that he also saw Naruto and Hinata spend more time together. They looked good together, natural, and it was no secret that Hinata had been harboring feelings for him since they were children. She would be good for him…

“That’s kinda pretty.” He was pulled from his thoughts as Naruto stopped to stoop in front of a bush, gently touching the tiny orange flowers.

“It’s a butterfly weed,” Kakashi said, coming to a stop behind him.

“It’s nice,” Naruto smiled, picking off a bundle of the small star-shaped blossoms. “I should ask Ino if it’s got some secret meaning or something.”

“Let me go,” he said softly.

“Huh?” Naruto looked up at him, face scrunched up in confusion.

“That’s what it means,” Kakashi cleared his throat, feeling the prickling of thorns against his lungs and threatening to pierce.

“You just made that up Sensei. How the hell do you know that?” He frowned incredulously.

“I read,” Kakashi tried to shrug it off, looking away from the intense stare Naruto was giving him.

“Yeah but isn’t hanakotoba more of a kunoichi thing?”

“That’s a bit closed-minded of you don’t you think?” he replied drily. “But I like to be prepared. You never know, you might need to send a message and all you have on hand is flowers,” he shrugged again. It was a half-truth; he _had_ had the book on hanakotoba for a mission and a vague interest, but he had never really paid attention to it before.

“I guess that’s actually pretty smart,” Naruto nods, turning his attention back to the bush. “I just didn’t expect it to mean something so depressing y’know?”

“Most colorful things do.”

“Wow okay,” he threw his head back as he laughed. “This is too much, let’s go eat!” He jumps up, smiling as he hands Kakashi the flower he picked, and the symbolism is too much. _Now’s your chance._

“Naruto,” he starts, feeling the petals already against his molars.

“Hey, are you okay?” His smile fades and Kakashi sees a faint flicker of gold along his hand.

“Yes,” he bites out a little too quickly. “Well actually no,” he tried to correct just as hastily, and Naruto looks more and more confused with every passing second and there’s a rattle in his lungs that’s telling him to _cough_ but he can’t because he doesn’t know if he’d be able to stop _._

“What does that mean? You should tell me if you’re sick or something Kakashi,” He steps forward and his body is encased in the golden chakra _because he wants to heal you!_ His mind is screaming as he takes a step back and suddenly it’s not Naruto in front of him but Rin. Hand outstretched as she asks permission to heal him after a fight. Her brown eyes filled with such compassion and concern that he had never seen on anyone else. Until now that is… and suddenly he can’t breathe for a completely different reason. Because Rin had had feelings for him, and he had been the one responsible for her death. He can’t…

“It’s just,” he carefully clears his throat, the taste of rust flooding his mouth. “It’s just a cold, I’m fine.” The chakra cloak vanished as Naruto narrowed his eyes. “You don’t need to worry about me.” Naruto would want to try to heal him. But what will he do when he finds out he might not be able too? 

“Ha,” Naruto grinned and shook his head. “You always tell me to take care of myself and here you are getting sick!”

“Ah, I suppose you’re right,” he managed to smile, slipping his hands into his pockets and noticing a familiar figure approaching. “Here comes Hinata and her team.” There’s a prickling in his throat and he knows he needs to make an exit.

“Huh?” Naruto whips around and Kakashi notices the way his ears tinge slightly pink as he waves at the trio.

“How about this time you go to lunch with them hmm?” He suggested. “I’ll see you later.”

“Hey, hold on Ka-” He catches the glimpse of flashing blue eyes right before he disappears in a puff of smoke.

He realizes once he gets a safe distance away that he’s still holding the butterfly weed.

* * *

“You better be here to finally tell me you’re ready to succeed me. It’s about time we’ve had this damned conversation,” Lady Tsunade snapped, not even bothering to look up from the papers on her desk. Kakashi had been dreading this conversation and had hoped to avoid it for as long as possible. She looked tired to Kakashi, and for the first time in years, older. The war had taken a lot out of her, which made this worse.

“Are you sure? We could always put it off for another month or so,” he shrugged.

“Don’t get cute,” she glared at him, reaching into her desk drawer to pull out a bottle of sake and two glasses. “The council has already approved you, hell the other Kage have already approved you. We need to start planning your inauguration.” _Stop wasting time. Just spit it out,_ he took a deep breath.

“Ah, I’m sorry Lady Tsunade, but I can’t be your successor,” he said, folding his hands behind his back.

“Dammit Kakashi!” She slammed her hand on the table, standing up in anger. “I’m too tired to deal with your laziness or your aversion for being in authority. It’s already been decided, I thought we were beyond this. Why the hell are you stripping?” Her anger turned to confusion as he started to unzip his flak vest.

“I’ve been putting this off, but I need a medical exam,” he answered solemnly, holding his hands up in surrender. Lady Tsunade glared up at him incredulously for a moment.

“I would accuse you of trying to pull something but unfortunately I know you better. You would never ask for a checkup,” she sighed, stepping around from her desk. “What exactly is the problem then?”

“My lungs,” Kakashi said softly, already anticipating the reaction. Her frown deepened as she stepped forward, hands glowing green. He opted for looking out the window instead of down at her face, but he still felt the moment that she tensed, and the glow intensified. _This feels different than the Kyubi’s chakra,_ he thought idly as he felt the jutsu push uncomfortably against his lungs.

“How long?” Lady Tsunade finally asked, her tone low and Kakashi couldn’t tell if it was from concern or restrained anger.

“A year,” he answered, flinching from the sting as she smacked him.

“A year? A year! Dammit Kakashi!” She yelled, stepping away from him. “I knew you were difficult but this? This is ridiculous! Who is it?” He remained quiet. What was he going to do? Tell her that he was he had been sick over her precious brat all this time? She would only kill him faster. “If you won’t tell me then I order you as your Hokage to tell them!”

“Ah, either way I’m still dead,” he said lightly, slipping his arms back through the vest. He had started to hear rumors around the Village now about a certain couple.

“You’re sure about this?” She asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“That’s not something that you can change, Lady Tsunade,” he answered instead, feeling his throat close up with the weight of it. He was surprised when her face crumpled.

“I’m sorry Kakashi,” she sighed, going back to her seat and downing the cup of sake. “I’ve never seen it, but I’ve heard of it. I can research the surgery.”

“No.”

“Don’t be stubborn Kakashi, you’re the next Hokage, you can’t just let this-”

“Think about it,” he cut her off. “We’ve just accomplished peace throughout the Villages. Can we afford to have a leader that can’t even feel?” Tsunade’s look is hard as she contemplates the ramifications of that.

“You’re right, you’re right,” she sighed again, slumping into her chair. “So, Genius, do you have any ideas on how we should handle this?”

“I don’t want people to know,” it was his turn to sigh. “Is there any way we can just… keep going as we are?”

“You want to keep up the charade that you are my successor?” She poured another cup, gesturing for Kakashi to take his. He didn’t usually oblige her, but the situation was different this time.

“Just say that you want to see the formation of the Shinobi Union through. It’ll be at least another year before that’s on its feet,” he explained. Tsunade’s eyebrow twitched at the prospect and she quickly took another shot.

“What is it that you want then, Kakashi?” Her eyes are sad when she looks at him and Kakashi felt another pain in his chest.

“When the time comes I just,” he thinks of Naruto, smiling broadly and eyes sparkling as he held out the orange flowers. _I’d have liked to have seen him accomplish his dreams._ “I want you to let me go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I went for a version where you lose all emotions when you get the surgery not just love or feelings for the loved one. 
> 
> The flowers I didn't define:  
> Blue Iris - Faith and hope  
> Pansies - You occupy my thoughts  
> Astilbe - I'll be waiting for you  
> Sunflower - Warmth, adoration  
> Tulip - I declare my love for you
> 
> Chapter 3 is being persnickety but I'm working on it!


	3. Now That I've Been Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight spoilers for Kakashi Hiden: Lightning in the Icy Sky

_Kakashi was fighting. He wasn’t sure who, but he felt the adrenaline coursing through his system and his chakra was crackling across his skin. He had to keep moving. He felt a pulse of energy behind him, he turns on his heel and summoned his lightning to his hand, hears the sounds of birds as he strikes. He smells the thick, cloying scent of blood as it hits his mask; feels it pulsing around his hand and running down his arm._

_I’ve been here before._

_Kakashi blinks, expecting to see doe brown eyes and purple marks as his twelve-year-old self kills his teammate. He flinches when its large blue eyes staring at him instead. He tries to yank his arm free, but it won’t budge. Naruto is in front of him, small and innocent Naruto, dressed in his orange and blue and struggling to breathe. He flinches again, desperate to stop feeling the fluttering heartbeat against his forearm, but Naruto stumbles forward into his chest and he’s smiling that bright, bright smile at him like nothing’s fucking wrong._

_“No, no, no, not again,” Kakashi pleads, his arm finally free as they sink to the ground. He holds onto the blonde’s face, leaving bloody streaks on marked cheeks. “Naruto! Come on Naruto, heal you idiot! Please!”_

_“Kakashi,” Naruto whispers, a small hand coming up to gently brush fingers at the edge of his mask and pull him closer. Kakashi was frozen, eyes locked on the deep blue as they started to fade. “Don’t. Don’t let me go.”_

_He wanted to scream but he couldn’t breathe. There was a darkness settling in, he couldn’t see. The hand fell from his face and Naruto coughed in his arms, but it was petals that stained his lips and sprouted from the hole in his chest. They didn’t stop. Asphodel, rue, willow, marigold, anemone, they all poured from his body until Kakashi was left grasping at petals._

_“Naruto!” He tried to find him, he had to find him! He promised he would protect him! But he sunk into the growing mess, drowning as he struggled, and the thorns pierced at his skin._

Kakashi lurched upright, gasping for breath and clutching at his chest as he started to cough. It _hurt_ so much, and he was so, so tired, the nightmares had become constant now. He was getting worse, the weight on his lungs is a constant presence and a disconcerting rattle had settled in. He was holding on though, he wasn’t ready yet. When the fit finally passed and a flower rested in his palm, he managed to get his shaky legs under him and go clean up.

 _I’ve been here before,_ he thought as he washed the blood from his hands. He stared at the pale skin as the water dripped into the sink, taking in the faint, barely there scars along his wrist and forearm from punching through bones with the jutsu he perfected with Obito’s eye. He blinks and meets his reflection in the mirror, looking over the features he inherited from his father before opening his left eye. A part of him expecting to see the glowing red of the Sharingan or maybe even just an empty socket. But no, a normal gray eye stared dully back at him. _The eye Naruto gave me._

 _“You’re a coward Kakashi,”_ Obito’s voice sneered in his mind and he was right.

He washed his hands again and again after that, still seeing the blood staining under his fingernails.

The camellia sat on the edge of the sink in full perfect bloom, the soft pink petals forming perfect spirals around each other.

* * *

“Kakashi-sensei.” Kakashi lifted his eyes to look at Shikamaru, casually leaning against the wall across from him and smoking a cigarette, Suna stretching out beyond him. Naruto’s laugh echoing from the courtyard below where he was talking to the Kazekage.

“Yes Shikamaru?” He responded lightly, returning his eyes back to his book, frowning when the young man didn’t talk.

“You’re sick,” he finally said and Kakashi did his best to keep neutral.

“Ah, what makes you say that?” He asked, turning the page.

“I’ve had my suspicions for a while now,” the man sighed. “But I saw you. Once at home a while ago and then here.” _Shit._ He closed his book and put it away before looking back at him. “You’re not going to deny it?”

“Would you let it go if I did?” He shrugged, stepping forward to prop his arms on the low wall next to him. He couldn’t hear what Naruto and Gaara were talking about, but the blonde was waving his arm animatedly and Gaara had a soft smile on his face.

“I didn’t want to think that far ahead. That’s why you haven’t become Hokage yet,” he said. “ _Or_ you’re not going to succeed at all are you.” It wasn’t a question, Shikamaru remained impassive as he met his gaze. “It’s that serious huh?”

“You really are too smart Shikamaru,” Kakashi shook his head.

“It’s a drag,” he sighed wearily again, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I hate to ask but does Naruto know?” Kakashi shook his head again. Oh, he didn’t want to be having this conversation, Shikamaru was close with Naruto, he could possibly rat him out and Naruto was right there below them. “Great, just great, and you’re in love with him.” He threw it out there like some comment on the weather and it gave Kakashi whiplash.

“Shikamaru,” he said, tone low and deadly serious.

“I notice things Kakashi-sensei,” he flapped his hand lazily. “I seriously wish I didn’t.” Shikamaru groaned and ground his cigarette against the stone. “A couple months ago you two were practically inseparable, he was going on and on about a house?” Shikamaru looked at him skeptically and he waved it off, inwardly cringing. He knew that letting Naruto know about his land would backfire, but he had looked so happy and Kakashi was weak. “Fine whatever, but then he started complaining that you didn’t have the time anymore and you were going to run yourself into the ground. Then, this whole mission you’ve been in his orbit but distant. Now I know why I guess.” He played with his pack of cigarettes as if contemplating smoking another.

“I didn’t want him to know,” Kakashi said quietly. “It’s easier this way.”

“Is it though?” Shikamaru drawled, caving in and pulling out a fresh cigarette, chewing it between his lips. “I mean, yeah, he’s a troublesome guy and he cares way too much,” a smirk played at his mouth. “But he does care.”

“You seem awfully calm about this,” he tried to deflect, wondering if maybe another shoe was going to drop.

“You’re both consenting adults,” his eyebrow twitched. “I don’t really care what you do, I just want Naruto to be happy,” he grumbled.

“You’re not the only one,” he replied stiffly.

“This is just like that time all over again,” Shikamaru groaned. “I knew I shouldn’t have asked, geez, what a drag. Look, I’m not going to promise you anything on not telling him, it’s between the two of you and it shouldn’t come from me. If he asks though, I’m not going to lie to him,” Shikamaru scowled. “But you need to think about this again. Naruto can be dense when it comes to this stuff but he’s not stupid, he’ll figure it out on his own.”

“All right, Shikamaru, I hear you,” he conceded tiredly, he was getting tired of always being lectured.

“You know, back then I think Naruto would have moved heaven and earth to bring you back.”

“That’s how he is. He spent over four years on Sasuke,” Kakashi returned.

“Hm yeah, but you didn’t see _him,”_ he insisted. “He went against all of us for you. How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again? You should remember his words better than anyone Kakashi-sensei.”

“Naruto’s lucky to have you in his corner Shikamaru,” he said with a sigh and the young man snorted.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” With that Shikamaru left him alone, reemerging in the courtyard a minute later. Kakashi watched as it looked like Shikamaru scolded Naruto and then the three disappeared. He let his head hang and tried to take a deep breath, but it was interrupted by pain. He would have to make Tsunade honor their deal soon, he thought as he looked over the chrysanthemums and dahlias littering the ground sitting so pretty and perfect in their yellow and orange. _Loyal and eternal…_

 _“How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again?”_ Maybe Shikamaru had a point… the man was usually, annoyingly, right according to Naruto. Before, he tried not to care if Naruto would hate him for this. Yes, Naruto would be sad when he left, but he wouldn’t have known the reason for his death, he would move on. It was supposed to be safer this way. He removed his headband and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe confessing would bring this to an end sooner… he closed his eyes, picturing clear blue eyes and golden hair, the marks on Naruto’s face curving with his easy smile. That smile had been haunting his nights for a while now, he was always smiling at him with such warmth. Even as he died by Kakashi’s hand, or in his arms because he was too late…

“What do you think?” He asked the void surrounding him. An arid breeze made its way through, causing the wet petals to shiver on the ground. “Hmm, that’s what I thought.”

“Oi! Kakashi! You still up there?” Naruto’s voice echoed from the courtyard, causing him to jump and fix his mask. Naruto was waving up at him, that easy smile splitting his face. “Come on!” He waved back down, waiting until Naruto disappeared again before scooping up the flowers.

* * *

The wind is screaming in Kakashi’s ears, harsh and shrill, the _Tobishachimaru_ high above him, Gai and the civilians plummeting to their death around him. _Is this finally it?_ He thought, closing his eyes. It figures that he would die on his last mission anyway. Naruto wouldn’t be able to save him this time, he pictured the defiant blue eyes and the wrinkle between the blonde brows that he always got when he was angry, and he would be angry once he learned how he had been banned from this mission. _Don’t waste too much time being sad over me Naruto._ His ninken would help him though, they would always look out for him. _I should have told you… you’re the only one that matters._

“You still have your problem I see,” Gai mused, sitting comfortably beside him as they looked on at the wreck of the airship.

“Is now the proper time to talk about this?” He asked, throat raw and lip bloody from muffling his hacks, he was trying to get his breathing in order, the sharp thorns and roots making him wheeze.

“There’s never any time like the present my friend!” The man winks and Kakashi repressed a groan, scrubbing his face with his hands. “It’s been a year since then.”

“I’ve been doing this for nearly two,” he shot back, regretting it immediately when he sees the look of shock on his friend’s face.

“Kakashi…” Kakashi sighed, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. “If you won’t tell me, then I’ll have no other option but to guess. Hmm, let me think which one of our fine youthful comrades could have captured your heart…” Kakashi tuned him out for a moment, looking up at the blue sky that they had just been in. _A fucking_ _airship,_ the times were changing and quickly. _Naruto is going to be pissed,_ he grinned under his mask. “Naruto.” Kakashi froze, almost subconsciously checking for the blonde’s presence.

“Am I that transparent?” He asked, looking down at him, Gai’s expression softened.

“On the contrary! But you allow yourself to suffer too much my friend.”

“Can you blame me?” He snapped. “Look at us, look at him!”

“But isn’t that his decision to make?” He flinches at the question, Gai’s response sounding awfully similar to the lecture Shikamaru gave him. “I can understand why you’d allow yourself to suffer like this. But I must say enough is enough Kakashi.” He looked back at his friend, his face completely serious.

“What are you implying?” He asked, scowling and Gai sighed.

“Kakashi, you are supposed to be the genius here my friend,” he said softly, taking on a more serious tone than he had seen on the man in a long time. “If you won’t come clean then, my rival, I will challenge you to do so!”

“I’m worried about how he’ll react,” he said quietly, spotting Sakura’s pink hair as she healed someone. _She wouldn’t be happy either…_ “If he’ll even talk to me at this point.” He had made excuses and canceled meetings. Hell, their last conversation had been an argument about how Team Kakashi had essentially been dissolved. Then he had made a terrible excuse and disappeared.

 _“Duty calls Naruto.”_ That was the last thing he had said as he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Naruto looking confused and hurt and shouting in the street.

“Ah, he does have quite the youthful vim and vigor your Naruto! But you know him better than most,” Gai beamed. “You will find a way to speak to him.”

“You have too much faith in me Gai,” he sighed. “What if I’m dead anyway?” 

“Where is your youthful positivity?” Gai cheered. “If this backfires then I will do four hundred laps around the Village!” Kakashi snorted, some things didn’t change after all.

“And if I succeed?”

“Well then, I’ll be the first person to cheer you on and we will both do laps to celebrate!”

* * *

“Hey, what’s the deal Kakashi-sensei?” There’s a flash of gold and suddenly Naruto is keeping stride with him on the busy street. His warm chakra brushing against his senses like it wanted to hold his hand. He should have known that Naruto would hunt him down.

“The grocery store is having two-for-one on instant ramen,” he replied easily, not slowing down or looking up from _Icha Icha._

“Wait, what?” Naruto stumbles for a brief second, his arms flailing, but then he’s running to catch up. “Oi! That’s not what I was saying!”

“But you would like to know if I’m telling the truth, wouldn’t you?” He hides his smirk under his mask, still not looking up from his book. He has a feeling he already knows what the blonde is going to say. Maybe he could distract him for long enough…

“Well yeah, I wanna- _agh!_ Stop distracting me!” He shouts and suddenly there’s a strong hand hooking around his elbow and hauling him to a stop. _So much for that idea._

“Yes?” He arched an eyebrow down at the man, he had gotten his hair cut short since he had seen him last. Naruto looked up at him, squinting his eyes as he scrutinized him. “Naruto,” he sighs, finally closing his book. “Am I supposed to guess what’s on your mind?” Naruto leans in some more and Kakashi is immensely reminded of Minato and how it always felt like he could see inside his head. He has to remind himself that neither of them actually had that ability.

“Why aren’t you the Hokage yet?” _There it is._ He sighs again, looking skyward as if a miraculous bolt of lightning would strike and save him from this. “If you run, I’ll hunt you down again.”

“Now that sounds like a challenge,” he drawled, feeling his heart pick up as Naruto smiled devilishly, eyes flashing, but the hand is still firm in the crook of his arm.

“C’mon Kakashi. What’s going on?” His voice drops and he looks around as if he just realized where they were and surrounded by nosy people casting looks in their direction. _The war hero and the not-future Hokage having it out in the street,_ it was good gossip _._

“There are lots of things going on.” Naruto’s glare is back on him and his eyes are flashing red a second before there are hands fisting in his vest. He’s surrounded by gold and there’s a disconcerting feeling of being turned inside out, thrown around, put back together again, and then he’s struggling to breathe in front of the waterfall.

“Shit! Are you okay?” Naruto’s voice is concerned, and he takes a step forward but Kakashi waves him off, feeling like he’d fall apart under his touch.

“Just give me a second,” he managed to grit out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! Well, I did, because there were a lot of people around y’know? And you’re just so… so damn frustrating! But I’ve never traveled like that with anybody and I didn’t think it’d be so bad!” Naruto rambled on, voice getting louder the longer Kakashi wheezed.

“As much as I enjoyed being your guinea pig,” he turned around so that he could lower his mask and cough into his hand, barely managing to successfully stomp down the flower trying to tear its way out. _Fuck you flowers, I win this time_. “Never do that again.”

“I’m sorry,” the blonde repeated, running an anxious hand through his hair, the fingers of his new right-hand twitching at his thigh and Kakashi wanted to reach out and still the movement but he slipped his hands in his pockets instead. _Space,_ he needs space for this. “But seriously, why can’t you talk to me? Or us, I mean, we haven’t seen you in ages! Don’t say it’s missions either!” He points his finger threateningly. “Cuz even Captain Yamato doesn’t know what’s going on with you.”

“Naruto there are things going on that you don’t understand.” He’s tired, but he’s always tired these days. Between the nightmares and the flowers, he doesn’t get much sleep anymore.

“Like what.” Those defiant blue eyes were boring into him again. _Like I’m a coward and I’m in love with you and I can only dream that you might feel the same._ “There’s something wrong with you isn’t there?” Naruto’s voice is soft under the noise from the water. Kakashi kind of wanted to laugh, there were so many things wrong with him, and now his emotionally constipated ass was too afraid to confess to the brightest thing he had ever known.

 _“How will he feel when he finds out you took that decision away from him again?”_ He looked at the young man. Naruto’s face was surprisingly inscrutable, and he wondered what he was going to do.

_“Enough is enough Kakashi.”_

“Yes,” he answered, watching the shock and confusion flicker over Naruto’s face.

“Then let me help you,” he said, tone firm and demanding.

“What if this is something that you can’t help with? You can’t keep saving me Naruto.” The man throws his hands up with a growl of frustration.

“How the hell do you know huh?” Naruto yelled, face going red as he tips into anger. “You keep fucking running away and you keep making me come after you! And guess what? I’m not going to stop anytime soon either, so you better get used to it!”

“Naruto,” he shakes his head, he can’t breathe, the vines and thorns in his lungs expanding through his chest.

“No shut up Kakashi!” He shouts over him; hands are back on his vest and pulling them down so that their foreheads were nearly crashing, and his vision is filled with blue and the sheer determination in his eyes. “Remember the butterfly weed? ‘ _Let me go’_? Well, guess what, I’m never going to let you go so you better get it through that thick head of yours!” He felt dizzy, the lack of oxygen finally getting to him as his throat constricts even further. “I’m serious, go ahead and try it.”

“Why?” He wheezed slightly, feeling the flower from minutes ago trying to come back. Naruto’s hand drops and his face turns red for a different reason as he looks away.

“Well, because,” he trails off and Kakashi can’t help but think which of them is more likely to run in this moment. He had miraculously scrapped through another mission by the skin of his teeth. He couldn’t run anymore, if he was meant to die for him then it would happen now.

_“You have your answer right there, should you choose to face it.”_

“Naruto, I’m dying,” the words tumbled out of his mouth like the first petals had two years ago and Naruto flinched like he had been slapped across the face.

“What the hell do you mean you’re _dying_?!” He reaches out like he’s about to teleport them again. “We should g-" Kakashi grabs his wrist and spins him around, pinning his arms behind his back with one hand and slapping his free hand against his mouth. Naruto could easily get out of this hold, but if he was going to get through this damn confession then he needed Naruto to be quiet and a respite from those eyes. He wondered if Naruto could feel the rattle in his chest as he pulled him closer.

“You’re always making me repeat myself,” he said softly, and Naruto grumbled incoherently against his palm and pulled at his hands. “I’m dying,” he repeated, and the man hesitated. “I was supposed to die two years ago, hell, probably long before that,” he chuckled darkly, and a distressed sound came out of the blonde. “Two years ago,” he started again, closing his eyes, remembering leaving Naruto confused in the hospital as he tasked him with repairing the bells. Remembered thinking he was dead and then hearing him, so very stubborn and shouting for him to wake up. _He wouldn’t let me go._ “You saved my life and I coughed up a flower.” Naruto stiffened in his arms, his breaths hot against his hand, but he wasn’t fighting him. “My lungs have been filling with flowers since then and it’s killing me because I’m in love and I’ve been afraid to admit it.” He carefully let him go, reaching into the pouch at his hip and pulled out the copy of _The_ _Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi_ that he had been carrying around all this time. Naruto frowned deeply as he took the book, eyes widening as his fingers brushed the lettering before flipping through the progression of pressed petals to full flowers.

“I don’t understand! What the hell does being in love have to do with flowers or dying?” Naruto’s voice is frantic as he looks back up at him. “If you’re in love with someone then just tell them! Is it that girl from the mission you were just on? I can go get her! Just, just wait here!” His chakra surges and Kakashi grabs him by the shoulders because _this idiot doesn’t get it._

“Naruto calm down,” he ordered, worried that he’ll spirit away before he can finish and that’ll be that.

“Calm down! You want me to calm down Kakashi?” He practically screeches, his own hands grasping painfully at Kakashi’s upper arms. “Didn’t you hear me when I said that I wasn’t going to let you go? So lemme just-“

“Naru-,” the cough tears through him violently, forcing him to his knees. He hears Naruto yell but it’s faint compared to the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears as the agony sears through his blood and he’s choking on the flowers in his mouth, unable to pass because his mask is still up. _S_ _hit Naruto isn’t supposed to see this,_ there’s gold in front of him and he can feel Kurama’s chakra around him, panicked this time as it tries to fix him, but it doesn’t soothe him like before and it makes more flowers fall from his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he tried to say, frantic blue eyes are all he can see. _I’m sorry._ “Naruto it’s, it’s _you_.” He’s not quite sure if he got it out or if the other heard him over his shouting.

“Kakashi! Hang on! Please!” the last thing he saw was gold and Naruto’s blue, blue eyes before everything went inside out into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay I honestly thought I'd get this out way sooner, but writers block + personal issues + temporary disdain for everything that I had written = not fun times.  
> who said three chapters? Okay it was me, but I decided four worked better and fed my propensity for cliffhangers. I rewrote this chapter so many freaking times, it feels like I have to have at least two versions of everything these days...
> 
> Love you though.  
> Chapter 4 is almost done (and I swear to god it's the last chapter)  
> Feel free to yell at me on tumblr: betterin-fiction
> 
> The flowers I didn't define:  
> Asphodel to indicate your regret will follow you to the grave  
> Rue for regret  
> Willow for mourning  
> Red marigold for grief  
> Anemone for forsaken love  
> Camellia longing


	4. My Scars Are Made of Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Sakumo's death is mentioned

Kakashi meandered down the dusty road, following the crumbling power lines towards where his father’s house once stood, the old structure being wiped out with Pain’s attack. It had been a long time since he ventured down this path, but now they were just home from the war he was feeling compelled to visit one more time.

He had left the house when he left ANBU, thinking it would be for the best to make a clean break and start over, thought maybe he’d be able to forget with one less ghost hanging over his head. He could hear the river ahead but paused when he saw a familiar blonde figure sitting on the bank. _Why is he out here?_ he thought, feeling the prickle in his throat. Naruto was reclining on the grass in shorts and a t-shirt, his calves submerged in the water and a look of contentment on his face. He briefly thought he should leave; it could be dangerous near him and it didn’t seem like Naruto had sensed him yet.

“Hey Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto suddenly craned his head around. _Oops, too late_.

“Yo,” he nodded at him still standing by the road, he could still turn around or keep walking, he didn’t have to stay. “Are you fishing?” He asked, gesturing to the crude fishing pole comprised of a stick and string propped between two rocks.

“Not really,” he laughed. “Are you ever casual?” He asked, grinning at Kakashi’s usual attire.

“This is casual,” he shrugged, reaching down to slip off his sandals. “Why are you all the way out here?”

“It’s just a nice day,” it was his turn to shrug and Kakashi felt his eyes on him as he undid the wrappings around his legs and cuffed his pants. “You?”

“It’s a nice day,” he parroted, sitting down next to him and slipping his feet into the cool water.

“Hmm fair enough,” the blonde smiled and relaxed back on his hand and Kakashi hummed. He had forgotten how nice it could be out here, quiet, that is when his companion wasn’t Naruto. “You okay?” Naruto asked.

“I should be asking you that.” Naruto was paler than usual, he still had bruises and scrapes littering his skin, and he could see the faint line of bandages under his shirt. “Are you even allowed to be out here?” He ventured and Naruto cringed as he was caught.

“I left a clone,” he smiled sheepishly. “Figure I still have a couple hours before Sakura notices.”

“It’s amazing you’ve somehow made it this far,” he said sardonically, picking up a smooth pebble, he weighed it in his hand before channeling a little bit of chakra to his fingers and skipping it across the surface of the river where it disappeared downstream.

“Yeah, yeah,” he snorted, looking for a rock of his own. The pebble glowed blue with too much chakra and bounced once before sinking and Naruto scowled. “How did you do that?”

“Chakra control,” he smirked, finding another rock to throw.

“ _Pfft_ smartass,” he grumbled. “I did used to fish out here y’know,” he said, gesturing to further down the river as he changed the conversation. “Back when I was a kid.”

“I can’t imagine you being patient enough to fish,” he joked.

“Aw shut up,” Naruto grumbled, shoving lightly at his side. “I did all right for myself. But usually, I just ate cup ramen cuz it was cheap and easy.”

“I’m aware, I’ve been to your apartment,” Kakashi chuckled. “You also had a propensity to drink expired milk.”

“That was one time!” He pouted. “And I’ve gotten better with vegetables _and_ cooking just so you know!”

“Thank god,” he sighed dramatically. “I used to fish out here too,” he added. He remembered the one time Obito and Rin had followed him to watch. They both kept saying how amazing he was, but really, he was just doing what he thought he was supposed to.

“Really?” Naruto perked up; his interest caught. “Like with a pole or your hands like some badass?” A grin was playing at his mouth.

“With a pole,” he scoffed, smiling fondly under his mask.“After my father died, I would fish for my meals.”

“Huh,” he said thoughtfully. “I can kind of picture that. Did he teach you?” Kakashi could tell Naruto was being careful with his words.

“Yeah, we lived here, and he liked to fish when he got home from a mission.”

“Wait, what?!” Naruto jumped up to his feet and Kakashi reached up to steady him as he wobbled. “Show me where you lived Kakashi-sensei!”

“The house is gone Naruto,” he squinted up at him, the sun forming a halo behind his head.

“So? Come on!” Naruto urged, smiling as he grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. The excitement radiating off of him was infectious and Kakashi let himself be dragged along the grass, Naruto’s fingers warm against his wrist and their sandals forgotten. The anxiety he had felt before melting away as a warm memory of holding his father’s hand and talking about his day at the Academy came to mind.

“Here,” he said, coming to a stop, his arm flopping to his side as Naruto let go. The rice fields were long gone, and the grass and weeds were overtaking the plot, but he could still picture his small house. Naruto stood at his side and the flowers in his ribcage seemed oddly calm at that moment. Kakashi walked across the grass, through where the entrance in the fence used to stand and then over the imaginary threshold. _I’m home._

“It’s nice,” Naruto said softly, looking around the land as if he could see into Kakashi’s memories. “Do you still own the land?”

“I suppose so,” he hummed, he hadn’t thought much about it since he had left. “I should probably sell it.” _I guess I could leave it to someone or maybe just let the Village have it…_

“You could always rebuild,” Naruto suggested, blue eyes slowly making their way back to Kakashi’s.

“You want to help?” He meant it as a joke, but the teen’s face lit up and Kakashi felt the flowers move, as if gravitating towards the warmth.

“Yeah, why not? We could be done in no time with-”

“No shadow clones,” Kakashi cut over him but he was smiling. _Shit,_ he shouldn’t be encouraging this.

“What! What kind of bullshit rule is that!” Naruto yelled.

“Having a hundred of you during wind training was stressful enough. If we’re going to build the house, we’ll do it right,” he sighed, noticing a mischievous glint in the blonde’s eyes. “And that means not asking Captain Yamato to use his jutsu either,” he laughed as Naruto sputtered. He really should stop but…

“Okay fine, we’ll build it the _boring_ way,” he stuck his tongue out petulantly and Kakashi felt his heart stutter at the _we_ , and he wondered if the painful rattle in his lungs is as loud as he thinks it is. “Let me at least use clones for the weeds.”

“I’ll concede to that,” he nodded. “I’ll leave the yard work and gardening to you.”

“Yes!” His smile really was beautiful.

“Why does that make you happy?” He hears himself ask and Naruto blinks up at him, smile softening and his face flushing slightly as he pushed the hair out of his face.

“I dunno,” he shrugged. “It’s just, y’know, why wouldn’t I want to be there for you?” _You’ve done so much for me already._ “Hey! Wouldn’t this make you happy? It’s your house.” Would it? If he had years instead of months left, if maybe he wasn’t such a coward and had the chance to spend those years with him then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

“I suppose so,” he answered nonchalantly, and the teen snorted. 

“You’re going to be really difficult, aren’t you?” Naruto huffed, rolling his eyes.

“It is my house,” he stated, crossing his arms.

“Well yeah,” Naruto dragged the word out. “But I’ve seen your apartment and,” he trailed off, looking like he had said more than he meant to.

“ _And_?” He intoned, mildly enjoying watching the other fidget.

“Well, your place is kinda boring,” he mumbled under his breath.

“If I let you decorate then I’m sure there would be an overabundance of orange and ramen posters,” he said drily.

“You make that sound like a bad thing,” his smirk had a devilish quality to it as he sidled over to stand in front of him. He opened his mouth to speak but hesitance crossed over his features and he averted his eyes. “Y’know I bet the pack would like it better out here too.”

“You just want to play with them,” he sighed, pretending to be exasperated.

“I wouldn’t say no,” the playful grin is back as he rocked on his heels.

“You do know that they could tear you limb from limb, right?” Not that they’d ever turn on Naruto. He had told them back before he left to face Hiruko that they could go where they wanted but he had wanted them to be there for Naruto and to watch his back.

“Yeah, but they love me. Come on!” He urged. “It’d be fun!” Kakashi rolled his eyes, looking put upon but went through the motions to summon them, it had been a while since they’d had proper exercise and Naruto would wear them out.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve been out here,” Pakkun said, tail wagging as he sat next to Kakashi on the grass.

“Yes, it has,” he hummed, his vest was unzipped, and he was idly drawing the Hatake clan symbol in the dirt next to where Naruto had drawn a sloppy and large version of the Uzumaki swirl, claiming his imaginary spot next to him.

“And with Naruto.” In front of them the blonde was pinned to the grass underneath Bull and laughing while the others licked at his face. “Are you going to tell him Boss?” He looked down at the pug, his doleful brown eyes staring up at him.

“I don’t know Pakkun,” he whispered. “A lot has happened.”

“Things are calm now,” the pug stated simply. “It could be time to start over again.” Kakashi hummed again, letting his gaze travel to his right where his father’s room used to be. Half expecting to see the bloody scar that his body left behind, but all he saw was green grass and dandelions. _Healing and survival…_

 _“It looks like it’s not your time yet. You still have things to do.”_ Maybe if the ghosts on this property could move on, he could too.

“Oi Kakashi-sensei!” He looked back to Naruto, winded, covered in grass stains and looking absolutely pleased with himself. He was sure he was going to get an earful when Tsunade or Sakura inevitably found out, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when the teen looked so happy and like nothing had changed at all. “I’m hungry!”

“Naruto, you’re always hungry,” he called back, standing and brushing the dirt off his pants.

“Well yeah,” he shook his head like it was obvious. “But you owe me!”

“Ah I do, do I?” He slouched his shoulders; he really did owe him. “Am I going to have to feed you like last time?” He teased and Naruto’s ears turned pink as he sputtered.

“No!” He shouted, taking off for where they left their shoes.

Later, when he’s back at home after saving Naruto from dumping a bowl of ramen into his lap and after receiving a stern verbal beating by Sakura, he quietly coughed up a bird’s nest and held it in his hands. _Sanctuary,_ he thought, gently running his fingers over the small, delicate white fronds. His father had once described his mother as a sanctuary for him, a safe harbor for him to come home to after countless bloody missions. But when she was gone, he had nothing left. No one to heal him from the pain… Kakashi was reluctant to let Naruto heal him, physically or otherwise, mainly because he was afraid that he would find out what was growing in his chest, but also because Naruto had experienced enough pain in his life. He didn’t need Kakashi’s scars or darkness on top of it. He slipped the bird’s nest in the pages and tapped the cover against his lips. 

_Sanctuary,_ it was a nice thought.

* * *

Kakashi was warm, so deliciously warm and his mind, for the first time in his entire life, was gloriously blank. He didn’t need to think anymore. He sighed into the warmth and nothingness, content to just rest here forever. There was someone next to him though, their chakra was bright like the sun and threading in with his so seamlessly, with a scent like citrus and grass and summer days by the river… and there was something else.

 _Flowers._ So many flowers. Pushing through his lungs, up his throat and out, roots cracking his chest open as the flowers in his body turned toward the sun. _It hurts_.

He gasped awake, breathing ragged as his eyes flicked around the ceiling. Everything was fuzzy but he wasn’t dead, wasn’t he supposed to be dead? _The hospital,_ he realized as he took stock of his body. Everything ached miserably and the ever-present pressure on his lungs was overwhelming. His wheezing breaths loud in the silence. He let his head roll to the side, causing the sheet to slip down his nose and froze when he saw the black hood over a familiar blonde head resting on the edge of the bed. _Fuck._ He remembered talking to him at the waterfall and trying to come clean before the attack hit.

“Naruto,” he breathed, voice barely audible and his throat painfully raw like someone had stuffed a handful of shuriken down it. Naruto’s head snapped up; blue eyes bleary as he looked wildly around the room before settling on him.

“Kakashi!” He was up in a flash, leaning over him and looking concerned. But the expression quickly melted away and was replaced with an odd combination of embarrassment and horror before he slapped his hand over his eyes and whirled around. “You, your face is uncovered.” Kakashi felt something wrench in his chest.

“It’s fine, you must have seen it,” he said.

“Yeah, but it’s not like you wanted me to, it was just _there,”_ he flailed his arm out in his direction and if Kakashi had the energy he might have laughed. “I tried not to look but I didn’t have much choice and you had none which just made it worse!”

“Am I that ugly?” he asked, hearing the waver in his own voice as he tried to joke. He watched with mild amusement as Naruto’s ears flushed a color rivaling Kushina’s hair and he pushed himself up into a sitting position, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to catch his breath. He was really still alive, but how long had he been out? Looking towards the window told him that it was night outside and he could still _feel_ so that meant Tsunade didn’t do the surgery against his will.

“N-No!” Naruto stammered out, shoulders climbing up to his ears as he tensed. “Dammit you bastard! How are you making jokes right now?” He yelled, whirling back around to face him with his hand still covering his face. Kakashi found he really wanted to see his eyes right now.

“It’s how I cope,” he continued, causing the young man to growl in annoyance. “Naruto you can see my face,” he added softly.

“Really?” His shoulders relax back down.

“Yes.” He watched as Naruto seemed to wrestle internally with something before slowly bringing his hand down and then peeling open his eyes. _He’s been crying,_ Kakashi swallowed heavily as he noticed the wetness in his eyes and the faint tear tracks on his flushed face.

“Are… are you feeling okay?” His fingers go to pluck at the edge of his white shirt. His eyes are red and tired, clothes crumpled, and his hair was more wild than usual. “You said you were dying, and Granny tried to explain it more but-”

“I am,” he interrupted, folding his hands in his lap and feeling immensely exposed with Naruto’s eyes on him and without his mask or even _Icha Icha_ in his hand. “Naruto I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Again, Kakashi is having a hard time reading the emotions on Naruto’s face. “For being an ass and keeping secrets? Or for liking me?”

“I don’t just like you, I love you.” Naruto frowned, looking away and his right hand was twitching again, this time Kakashi let himself reach out. Feeling that same and steady warmth that always accompanied the man seep through the bandages. The blonde jumped, looking down at their joined hands with wide eyes. “Naruto…”

“For a genius you’re pretty dim, you know that?” Kakashi flinched because that’s exactly what Kushina used to say to him.

“What-,” he starts to ask but angry blue eyes are piercing right through him, and then Naruto’s moving too fast for his muzzy brain to track and lips are being smashed too harshly against his own, teeth clacking but he doesn’t ease up. Naruto’s hands are in his hair, holding him like he might disappear and Kakashi’s own are desperately trying to pull him closer. It’s not a good kiss, it’s painful, and needy, showing both the inexperience and desperation between them, but it’s still _everything._ He was still here, still alive, Naruto kept saving him.

“I’m supposed to be the dumb one,” Naruto breathed when he pulled away. His eyes are wet again and Kakashi wipes it away with his thumb.

“No, you aren’t,” he tried to grin up at him. “I didn’t think, Naruto… why?” He was having a hard time wrapping his brain around the fact that Naruto just kissed him.

“Well, if you’d stop fucking running away,” he huffed, sitting on the edge of the bed and scrubbing at his eyes.

“I’m not good at this. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding things like this,” he tried to explain, taking Naruto’s hand back in his own to keep him still. _I was known as Cold-blooded and the Friend Killer for a reason._

“You think I know what the hell to do?” Naruto glared at him, pulling at their joined hands. “You know me! I can barely string a sentence together sometimes, so how was I supposed to… I dunno, figure it out when you weren’t there?” His voice is getting louder and Kakashi worried that someone might overhear him.

“It was supposed to be easier this way.” That seemed to get Naruto even more annoyed.

“For who huh? It wasn’t easy for me and it couldn’t have been easy for you to be _dying!”_ He scowled at him. “And for two fucking years?” Naruto stood up again, looking like he wanted to pace or maybe punch something and Kakashi could feel the anxious way his chakra was moving.

“Naruto,” he groaned. “You were sixteen and too young, you’re _still_ young,” he emphasized, and Naruto’s scowl deepened. “I didn’t want to force you into an uncomfortable situation, and I never expected that you could possibly return my feelings. Why would you?” Naruto deflated a little and looked away again. “Why, out of everyone, do you keep saving me?” The blonde worried his bottom lip between his teeth. Kakashi leaned back against the pillow, watching the thoughts flicker across his face. He was tired still, but they had so much to talk about and knowing how they both were this could take a while.

“Because you’re important to me Kakashi,” Naruto said softly. “You’ve _always_ been important to me.”

“Naruto, you’re the strongest person I know. I wouldn’t be here without you.” At that, the blonde rolled his eyes and tried to pull away but Kakashi kept him still with his hands on his face, pulling him close so that he focuses on what he’s saying. “You already bear so much on your shoulders and I didn’t want to add to that, but I did and I’m sorry that I hurt you.” It’s not enough, it won’t _ever_ be enough. Naruto’s eyes are wide, and he sees sadness and uncertainty and his heart breaks with the thought that he had been the one to put it there.

“I don’t want you to die.” His breath is hot as it fans across his face and he looks into dark blue eyes.

“It’s okay Naruto,” he said quickly, feeling the dread sink in and not wanting Naruto to rush into something he didn’t mean.

“Says the guy dying from being in love!” Naruto shouted, pushing away again. “And it’s because you’re in love with me! How is that okay Kakashi-sensei?”

“You don’t need to return my feelings. That’s why I didn’t want,” he trailed off. He couldn’t keep hiding behind excuses _,_ he thought tiredly. “I was scared Naruto.”

“You know Hinata was the one to tell me that I might feel that way towards you. Argh!” He groaned loudly, scrubbing at his face and hair with his hands. “I don’t know what to say! I thought, I thought… everyone was telling me about Hinata, and she’s great! But the whole time I just kept thinking about you and what mission were you on and were you safe because I could _feel_ ,” he grasped at his shirt over his chest and when he looked up there was the pigment of red around his yellow eyes. “I could feel that something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell what and,” the Sage mode drops, and those ocean eyes look as tired as he feels, and he wants to gather the young man in his arms and never let go. “And it’s just…” Naruto’s hands drop to his lap and he wonders when exactly he had become so good at hiding what he was thinking. But before he could ask Naruto was leaning in again, this time the kiss was hesitant and soft, just barely brushing their lips together. Naruto always was one for action over words and Kakashi wrapped his arms around him, pulling them back onto the bed burying his nose into his hair to breathe in his scent over the smells of the hospital. They weren’t okay, he wasn’t sure if they’d even get the chance to be okay. But he felt something settle throughout his body that almost allowed him to hope otherwise.

“Naruto?” He started, not quite sure how to finish the question he wanted to ask.

“I’m pissed as hell at you,” Naruto answered, picking up on what he was going to say. “But I think I really might love you, so please don’t die until I can figure it out.” He saw a flicker of gold along Naruto’s hand as he placed it on his chest and then there was that familiar tingling in his bones, he put his own hand over the wrapped fingers. Kakashi wasn’t sure what he expected to happen in his chest if Naruto ever returned his feelings. Something dramatic maybe? To go with all the pain that the flowers had caused, but instead he just felt an overwhelming sense of _calm,_ like an ocean without waves. He pulled Naruto closer, threading his fingers through blonde hair. 

“Okay,” he said softly as Naruto relaxed, settling his head into the hollow of his shoulder like it was meant to be there. “I’m not going to run anymore. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll come after you if you do,” he threatened, squeezing him tighter. Naruto slipped off into sleep first and Kakashi watched his eyes flicker beneath his lids and there was that delicate wrinkle between his brows. He had fucked up enough and wasted enough time on running and making excuses.

_I might never deserve you, but I will sure as hell try. You’ve never given up on me Naruto and even if you change your mind one day, I will still be there to catch you when you fall._

Kakashi was cold when he woke up the next morning. He reached out, searching the sheets, but he knew what he’d find, Naruto’s scent was already faint under the stench of bleach and disinfectants. He sat up and threw off the covers, running his hands over his face and hair. The cough surprised him, short and sharp, and then a small four-petaled white flower was sitting in his hand and he could _breathe_. He took another deep breath just to be sure, the last remnants of the roots and thorns withering away as his heart pounded in his chest.

 _Naruto loves me._ He stood a little too quickly, ignoring the head rush as he threw on his clothes.

“Kakashi?” Pakkun frowned up at him. “Are we-?”

“Let’s go find Naruto Pakkun,” he interrupted him. He knew he’d get scolded by leaving the hospital, but he couldn’t be bothered to care at all right now. The pug nodded, scenting the air for a brief moment before jumping out the window, Kakashi hot on his heels. He dismissed Pakkun with a reassuring nod when he realized where they were heading, slowing down to a walk when he saw the blonde on the grassy slope. The man had to have sensed him by now, but he didn’t react as he approached.

“Ah I was wondering where that went,” he said casually, sitting down behind Naruto and leaning his back against his. He picked the book up off the grass, thumbing through the pages like he had done a hundred times before, pausing at the daffodils carefully pressed in behind the others. He wondered if that’s what he coughed up at the waterfall, but Naruto must have noticed and added them with the rest. They were fitting really: regard, chivalry, a new life.

“You did give it to me y’know,” Naruto said, adjusting slightly until he was comfortable.

“I did,” he agreed, tapping the worn leather cover to his lips.

“I didn’t know you had a copy. I hadn’t heard of it until I went to train with the toads,” he sighed, and Kakashi felt his head tip back against his shoulder, blonde hair tickling at his neck.

“I meant to give this to you long before the toads, before any of this. Minato-sensei gave it to me to borrow eighteen years ago,” he explained.

“Oh,” Naruto breathed.

“I almost did give it to you once,” he thought, remembering back to when he himself was eighteen and still so angry. “You were four.”

_The book seemed to glow where it lay on his shelf and he hated looking at it during the brief moments he was at home. One night, after waking up from yet another nightmare of his failures, he wanted it gone. He contemplated throwing it out, but he knew how important it had been to Minato. His sensei had lent it to him on the same day that he had told him that he was going to be a father, the same day that he had assigned him to watch over Kushina. He would want Naruto to have it. So, he ripped it off his shelf and ran to the boy’s apartment. The boy wouldn’t know who he was, he was wearing his ANBU mask and a cloak to protect against the cold of December, but the tiny child threw open the window for him like he was a friend come to play. He felt another burst of hot anger at how trusting Minato-sensei’s son was, didn’t he know of the dangers in the world?_

_Didn’t he know that the very person outside his window was dangerous?_

_“Naruto.” He was named after the hero of the book because Minato had wanted him to be brave and never give up. He had wanted him to be able to finally achieve the peace that he himself would never accomplish. Naruto smiled toothily at him showing off the few gaps in his baby teeth._

_“Hi!” He chirped, his voice high and squeaky and Kakashi couldn’t breathe because why was this child smiling at him? He reached for the book, the blonde’s eyes tracking the movement carefully and with a surprising amount of suspicion, but he found he couldn’t bring himself to part with it yet. He wasn’t even sure if Naruto could read yet anyway, it would be wasted on the child who’d rather throw paint then crack open a book. He supposed he could keep it safe for now and find a way for him to get it when he was older._

_“Naruto, be a good boy okay?” He said softly, carefully reaching out to ruffle the fluffy blonde hair._

_“Are, are you a ghost?” The boy whispered, pressing his face incredibly close to his and his eyes not leaving the holes of Kakashi’s mask and he quickly closed Obito’s eye, worried that he might have scared him._

_“No,” he shook his head. “Do you want me to be?” Naruto frowned in that familiar scrunched up way of his as he thought that over._

_“No!” He grinned, leaning forward on the sill and Kakashi caught him from tumbling out onto the ledge. Quickly letting him go once he was safe out of fear of hurting him. “Cuz the old man said only dead people are ghosts and, and if you were a ghost then you’d be dead I guess and that’s bad.”_

_“Okay,” Kakashi nodded solemnly, matching the tone the child had taken. “Go to sleep,” he ordered, pulling away from the window as the boy pouted. He watched as Naruto hauled the window shut and crawled in his bed. Watched as the tiny chest rose and fell evenly with his sleep. Minato and Kushina had died for this… died for him._

“And then you started using it for this creepy weird art project of yours,” Naruto said softly.

“Yep,” he sighed, letting his eyes slip closed as he leaned back against him. “Proof that the Coldblooded Killer Hatake Kakashi has a heart.” And, even with all its scars and imperfections, that it belonged to Uzumaki Naruto _._ He had pretended to be dead, pretended to be a ghost for so long because it was easier than acknowledging the pain and letting people in. But, even as a child not fully knowing what he was saying, Naruto had seemed to tell him from the beginning that he was supposed to live, and he had never stopped telling him.

“That never really was in question for me Kakashi.”

“I know.” He blinked up into Naruto’s face as he suddenly found himself on his back in the grass, strong hands pinning his shoulders down. Watching as Naruto’s eyes widened when he realized that his face had been uncovered the whole time. _You wanted me to be casual,_ he almost said but held off at the serious expression on the man’s face.

“At the hospital you said you were scared,” Naruto recovered quickly. “Were you afraid of me?”

“Yes,” he admitted honestly, wrapping his fingers around his wrists when he flinched. “Only because I hadn’t prepared for you,” he brought his hand up, gently dragging his fingers over the marks on his cheek and staring straight into his eyes. “I could see myself doing anything for you and even though we’ve faced monsters together I was afraid because of how much I actually wanted this.” Naruto’s eyes seem to shimmer and some of that uncertainty and insecurity returned as he looked away but Kakashi gently brought his face back to his. “I figured dying from the flowers wouldn’t be so bad because it was for you, but it was wrong to keep you in the dark. I won’t run anymore and not because someone threatened to hunt me down if I did,” he smiled and he noticed how his eyes flicked to his lips. “I’m serious Naruto, I lo- _mmph.”_ Naruto’s hands are slapping over his mouth, covering up the skin that’s usually under his mask.

“Just shut up for a second,” Naruto demanded, scrutinizing him as he leaned in close. “You’re not dying anymore, right?” He nodded his head against Naruto’s hands. “And that’s because, even though you’re a self-sacrificing bastard, who always lectured me on teamwork even while going off to die alone. I,” Kakashi cringed as Naruto swallowed heavily but his eyes still shown their usual stubborn determination. “I love you.” He nodded again, feeling a thrill at how he had said it with such certainty. “And you know me Sensei, if I said it then I mean it,” Naruto finished softly, letting his hands drop to either side of Kakashi’s head.

“I do,” he said, hearing his heartbeat in his ears and feeling breathless for all the right reasons for once. The blonde huffed and flopped onto his back next to him.

“But I’m still pissed as hell at you!” He yelled, flinging his arms up in the air before letting them fall back down, fingers tangling with his.

“I know,” he repeated again, trying not to smile too broadly. “You can kick my ass on the training grounds later if you want.”

“It doesn’t count if you let me. Ugh, I bet Pervy Sage is laughing his ass off right now,” he grumbled and Kakashi chuckled, he imagined the Sannin would have some choice words for him, he tried not to think of how Minato or Kushina would react. “This is nothing like his stupid books, his love confessions make it seem easy! They only involve a shit ton of kissing and other things,” Naruto trailed off and Kakashi felt his smile grow, he brought their joined fingers up to his mouth to kiss the back of Naruto’s hand. He rolled over so he’s looking down into Naruto’s grumpy face, letting himself finally smooth that annoying wrinkle between his eyes with his finger.

“We can get to that eventually,” he teased gently, watching Naruto’s face flush and he leaned down slowly, giving him time to push him away or reject the kiss but he doesn’t. He hummed as Naruto’s fingers ran through his hair, scratching at his scalp and bringing him closer.

“Y’know you’re just as stubborn as me, and a smart ass!” Naruto said sternly and Kakashi hid his amusement in the warm neck, breathing in the citrus and grass and the memories of summer days by the river, being reminded that there were now more of those days to come. Naruto felt like _home._ “And even though you pretend to be lazy and you read really shitty books,” Naruto continued, and he snorted. “I find myself always looking for you first, you’ve always been there to believe in me, and you caught me when I needed it,” he hesitated, lurching up to a seated position and picking at the wispy seed heads of a stray dandelion. “It’s just _easy_ when you’re around and you seem to understand me when no one else does. Which might be why I get why you didn’t say anything. Because I think maybe I might’ve done the same,” he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and causing the seeds to disperse on the wind. “We’ve both spent a lot of time on our own huh?”

“Yeah,” he agreed. They had both lived relatively similar childhoods, both of them had been alone, both of them had had unwanted attention thrust upon them. For Kakashi it was because he was the son of Sakumo and a genius, he hated the excited whispers, or the way people praised him for just _being_ and for Naruto it was because he was the Jinchūriki and the attention had rarely been the kindness he deserved.

“We’re both kinda messed up too.” A blue eye peeked over his shoulder and he could see the hint of a genuine smile playing at his lips.

“Just a bit,” he agreed again.

“I mean, you fell in love with me and puked up flowers for two years,” he pulled a face and Kakashi pushed himself up, wrapping his arms around him and hooking his chin on his shoulder.

“What does that say about you then?” Kakashi asked and Naruto softened in his arms, head tipping back to look at him and a bandaged finger traced the line of his nose. It was surprisingly easy for Kakashi to fall into tactile comfort with him and Naruto accepted it so willingly.

“Your face is seriously distracting Kakashi-sensei,” he sighed, and he wanted to argue against being called sensei after all of this. “But yeah, I must be crazy.” Kakashi held him a little tighter to his chest, feeling his heartbeat against his own.

“Maybe we should leave the part about the flowers out,” he suggested.

“Hmm, nope,” Naruto popped the p. “But we can figure it out together now right?” 

“Yes,” he breathed, wanting nothing more than that.

“Maybe we should promise not to die for each other.” He arched an eyebrow down at him, knowing full well that wasn’t a promise _either_ of them would keep. “Okay, yeah you’re right,” Naruto conceded, scrunching his face up in concentration. “How about we promise to lean on each other then?” His face brightened and Kakashi thought of the instances that they had already said that to each other. But this time was far more important.

“Always Naruto, I’m-”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing, Kakashi,” Naruto sighed tiredly, “I just want you to stop suffering on your own y’know?” He smiled gently and Kakashi nodded. _Anything,_ he’d do anything he’d want.

They leaned back into the warmth of each other. It wouldn’t be easy; they both had their flaws and imperfections, and he imagined a fair number of fights in their future. He imagined losing most of them. But he knew they were both too stubborn to ever give up on each other. He was reminded of pottery he had seen once in some obscure village. Something of little worth smashed to pieces, but instead of sweeping up the porcelain and throwing it in the trash someone decided to mend the broken sections with gold and created something beautiful, something invaluable, in its imperfections. They both had a history filled with being shattered and left trying to reassemble the pieces on their own. It had left gaps and scars on their bodies and souls. But then Naruto had come along and in his loud and obnoxious and unbelievable way had turned his scars to gold. He could only hope to return the favor and strengthen him in return. To stand by him and help him shine.

“Hey, you kinda owe me a house now,” Naruto mumbled against his lips.

“Go get Yamato and I’ll get you a house,” he grinned, his face was starting to hurt from smiling.

“You said I couldn’t ask him to use his jutsu!” He pouted petulantly.

“Exactly, _you_ can’t, but I didn’t say I couldn’t,” Kakashi smirked, and Naruto grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like _smart ass._ “We should go see Lady Tsunade,” he sighed, already dreading that conversation. He wasn’t ready to leave the privacy of this moment yet, but they’d have to face it soon, especially since his disappearance from the hospital had to be noticed by now.

“We?” A blonde eyebrow arched at him, a mischievous smile on his lips.

“Well, I figure I might need protection,” he explained, and Naruto blanched. “Exactly.”

“Great,” Naruto groaned, sprawling out onto the grass and Kakashi restrained himself from laying on top of him and covering him with his scent. “You’re already dragging me down with you!”

“You did say I should stop suffering alone,” he smirked down at him.

“That’s not,” he covered his face with his hands as he laughed. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it!” He sent a glare through his fingers but there was no heat behind it. “Fine, let’s get this over with!” He jumped to his feet, dusting the grass off the book and Kakashi suddenly remembered the flower from earlier.

“Wait a second,” he gestured for the book, “I’ll give it back,” he added when Naruto looked at him with a dubious expression as if he thought Kakashi would do something bad to it. He pulled the white flower out of his pocket and opened the book to the last page.

“When?” Naruto asked, a concerned frown etching deep lines into his face.

“This morning,” he said casually, closing the book and placing it into Naruto’s outstretched hand, letting his fingers rest over his. “It’s the last one. Dogwood,” he told him softly. “It means-“

“I know what it means,” Naruto cut him off, “I, uh, I might have picked up a book on hanakotoba after we talked about the butterfly weed,” he looked away, scratching at his face. “I was gonna surprise you or something, I dunno, but,” he waved the book.

“You can still surprise me if you want,” he stood, still holding Naruto’s hands. Naruto always surprised him anyway.

“I think we both need a break from flowers for a while,” he sighed and then smirked, leaning up as if for a kiss but instead his hands were moving to pull up Kakashi’s mask, settling it back over the bridge of his nose. Naruto yelped as he hugged him roughly, pushing his hand through the hair on the back of his head and keeping him close.

“I really do love you,” he said into Naruto’s hair.

“I know.” He felt the book smack gently against his shoulder but then his arms were wrapping around his waist. “I love you too.”

* * *

He was right in bringing Naruto to Tsunade’s for protection. The woman raged and threatened severe bodily harm to the both of them for causing her so much stress over the years. But then she sagged, hugging them both to her chest before cuffing them on the head and demanding that Kakashi take over as soon as possible while breaking out the liquor. He did become Hokage quickly after that, with a bit more fanfare than he had wanted but Naruto was kneeling among the ranks with the biggest smile he had ever seen plastered to his face. Their relationship had quickly become one of the worst kept secrets in Konoha but only those close to them actually knew about the flowers.

They called Tazuna and Inari and built a house on the land and he stopped referring to it as his father’s because it became _theirs_ as he watched Naruto build a garden _._ It wasn’t easy and they did fight, it was hard to rewire what years of isolation had forged in their systems, but they tried and Kakashi was right in that he did end up losing most of them. But Naruto was always there when he woke up the middle of the night, feeling the urge to wash his hands of blood that was long gone, and he was there to wrap himself around Naruto when he would unconsciously summon Kurama’s chakra as he dreamed of the war.

Other than practically living together they did take things slow, that is until just a few short months after he had taken the hat he had to send Naruto to the _fucking moon_ while he waited and watched and wondered if he’d have to give the order to kill him. He couldn’t help but think if the flowers would come back and finish him off then if Naruto died. He knew that this was just a part of the job, they were shinobi and there was never a guarantee of either of them returning home. But Naruto was Naruto, and he never broke a promise.

“Were you worried Kakashi?” Naruto asked, looking tired and dirty but there was a fire in his eyes and Kakashi felt like he had no other choice but to grab him and kiss him senseless because this brat might very well be the death of him. _Still here, still alive,_ he thought as they crashed into _their_ house and into _their_ bed, leaving a trail of clothing in their wake and Kakashi set about memorizing the dips and curves of soft skin and hard muscle with his mouth and fingers.

 _“Naruto,”_ Kakashi breathed, skating his lips across the arching neck. The name rolling off his tongue like prayer as Naruto cried out, one hand digging into Kakashi’s shoulder while the other braced against the headboard, simultaneously trying to hang on and push back against him as they moved together. He couldn’t help the smile as he held him close and they both shook apart at the seams, the fire in those blue eyes never going out.

“Hey,” Naruto said later, draped over him like a human blanket. “I really do love you y’know,” he gently traced the x-shaped scar on his chest.

“I know,” he replied, dragging his hands down the strong back while Naruto snorted, biting his shoulder in retaliation. “Hey,” he laughed, brushing his thumb across his cheek. “I really do love you too.” The returning smile is soft and private and Kakashi feels himself impossibly fall more in love.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, it's over! That was one wild and exhausting ride! But even though this story took a complete left turn from what I had planned (and then a few others that partly ended up in the trash) I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope you did too.
> 
> I really appreciated all of the comments and encouragements along the way.  
> Feel free to yell at me on tumblr: betterin-fiction
> 
> The flower I did not define:  
> Dogwood - Our love will overcome adversity


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